in all circumstances, i live.

twloha:

In 2006, actor Stephen Fry received a letter from a girl struggling with depression. This was his response.

I’m sorry I haven’t loved you well.  Haven’t loved you the way you deserve to be loved.

I’m sorry I’ve put myself ahead of you.  Maybe you didn’t even notice … but that’s what I’ve done.

I’m sorry I haven’t valued you for the beautiful creation that you are.

I’m sorry I haven’t been the daughter, sister, friend, or acquaintance you deserved to have.

I’m sorry I traded you for my own comfort.

I’m sorry I sacrificed our time together for my own desires.

I’m sorry I let my insecurities keep us from getting close.  I’m sorry I kept my walls up even when you tried to earn my trust.

I’m sorry you had to do life alone that day because I couldn’t get out of my own bubble long enough to do it with you.

I’m sorry you had to cry alone. Laugh alone. Or celebrate by yourself.

I’m sorry you didn’t get to meet Jesus when you met me.

I’m sorry you walked away empty.

I’m sorry I didn’t say, “I love you.”

I’m sorry I didn’t share my story so you wouldn’t feel alone in yours.

I’m sorry I made you feel less-than so I could feel more-than.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that you matter, that you are loved, and that life without you couldn’t be the same for anyone.

When I’m honest with myself … I know these are ways I’ve failed you.

These are ways I’ve been less than what I said I was.  Less than what I should have been.

These are but a few of the ways I’ve wronged you.

And for that … I’m sorry.

A reminder I so desperately need…reminds me of a conversation I had recently.

The things that have filled our hearts are the things that come out of them.

Pain, love, hurt, anger, bitterness, rejection, encouragement, despair.

We give out the pain that we’ve been given…it overflows and pours out on others.  

We must know God’s love in a way that it would go deeper than that pain…that junk that we’ve been filled with or have filled ourselves with.

When we know love like that, the pain can be pushed out and love becomes what our heart pours out.

God’s love can penetrate deeper than our pain.  God’s love can go deeper than the pain that feels like it’s consumed your very soul.  

It can pour out farther and it can touch more lives.  But only if we allow it to fill us up.

Only if we can accept for one second that God doesn’t need to do anything more to prove how much He loves us.  Only if we can accept how big of a deal it is that He watched His Son die just so He could hang out with us.  Only if we can accept that maybe God sees us different than we see us.  Maybe He doesn’t see broken and trashed.  Maybe He doesn’t see a “work in progress” or a “fixer upper.”  Maybe He doesn’t even see us as beautifully broken.

Maybe He just sees beautiful.  Maybe He just sees perfect.  Maybe He just sees someone He’s madly in love with.  Maybe He’s just waiting for us to figure it out.  That we don’t have to “get to Him” because He’s right in front of us…and has been all along.

We have to allow that kind of love to replace the safety of pain with the safety and freedom that love brings.

Only then will God’s love change our hearts and renew our minds.

Only then will our touch be one of love and not one of anger and pain.  

Only then will the cycles be broken.

I told you what was on My heart,

What was on My mind,

What was in My thoughts;

And you didn’t listen.

You sat in your pews,

You praised Me with your words,

You claimed Me as yours;

But gave me to no others.

You claimed My love and failed to give it away.

You took My provisions,

And told others what I did;

Yet you have kept it all for yourselves —

For your own entertainment.

You forget the treasures you build up are treasures meant to be given back,

Not treasures meant to corrupt.

I left My Word to show you My actions.

I gave My Son to show you My love.

You call money sacrifice!

You don’t know sacrifice —

To give of your own body and soul,

To give even if just poured out as a drink offering.

I don’t want your words and your worship.

I want your very being,

So I can give it away —

Give it all away. 

I stole this title from a true friend of mine, Anna Hull, who was able to sum up my life here in San Diego better than I could have hoped to.

Doing life with others…the painful parts, the funny parts, the parts that make you laugh so hard you look like a dork, the parts that make you wish you could just walk away, the parts that make it hurt to think of walking away, the parts that make you wonder why you ever did life any different than this—were ever scared of a life like this…All of that is beautiful.  That broken people would find other broken people.  That all our brokenness is in the process of being redeemed.  And we get to share in each other’s redemption.  Beauty.

Something so beautiful cannot escape being messy.  That kind of beauty results in tear-filled eyes and snot-covered faces.  That kind of beauty leaves me with a newly-developed and sporadic stutter as I fight to find the words to do it justice.  That beauty makes me ache all the way to my soul.  That beauty makes so many things not worth fighting for…and makes other things worth fighting harder for.

All of that beauty…and all of that messy…is something I get to be a little part of.  We all have our niches in life…the spaces we find and do our best to fill.  That is true of all relationships…and that is true of community.  I don’t doubt that I, like everyone else here, has a role to play.  We each have our own words to tell our own stories.  We each have our own pain to share with others. We each have hearts that love in special ways.  And we are each touched by things that don’t seem to touch others as much…and all of that makes us who we are.

One of the greatest gifts is to be given the chance to be a part of someone else’s life.  Someone giving you space to be in their life, and you giving them space to be in yours.  That space doesn’t dictate who they can and cannot be.  It is space that says, “You’re more than welcome.  You’re more than loved.  You belong here.  You as you and not as what I want you to be.”

If I have learned nothing in my time here but how to share life with others, I will consider this year beyond worth it.  Because when I share life and love others, I’m playing a part in building community.  And where community is built, healing comes.  And where healing comes, redemption takes over.

Pure awesomeness.

Awesome surf/taco shop south of TJ…Mexico Pepsi + Carne Asada = bliss

“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that” Martin Luther King, Jr.

To meet love with love creates deeper affection.  To meet happiness with happiness creates greater joy.  Laughter upon laughter creates a more brilliant sound.  It is no stretch to think that principle applies equally to darkness.

No evil has become holy by meeting more evil.  No darkness has disappeared upon meeting more darkness.

We cry for justice in response to wrongs done — yet we define justice as the same wrong being done to a different person.  More death, more hatred, more war — some may be left feeling victorious, but is anyone left feeling more at peace?  Do the deaths on 9/11 ‘til now lose their sting?  Does this “justice” seem to have brought peace between enemies?

It hasn’t even done that betwen friends.

Can I be sad a man tortured and deluded enough to kill another soul died a hero to some and hated by others?  Can I be upset that evil seems to have once again prevailed?